OTROS DE MI AMIGO GALES

Esta es una serie de chistes aparentemente basados en comentarios reales de niños. Solo he traducido los que tienen sentido en castellano, pero los añado todos en inglés.

Porque amamos a los niños

1.- En un parvulario un alumno le dice a la profesora que ha encontrado un gato, pero que está muerto.

“Como sabes que el gato está muerto” pregunta la maestra.

“Porque he hecho pis en su oreja y no se ha movido” responde inocentemente el niño.

“¿Que has hecho que?” exclama la profesora sorprendida.

“Si,” explica el niño, “Me he agachado sobre su oreja y he dicho “Pssst” pero no se ha movido.

 2.- Un padre manda a su hijo a la cama

A los cinco minutos “paaapi”

“¿Qué?”

“Tengo sed. ¿Me traes un vaso de agua?”

“No. Haberlo pensado antes. Apaga la luz”

A los cinco minutos “paaaaapi”

“¿Qué?”

“Tengo sed. Necesito un vaso de agua”

“¡He dicho que no! Si lo vuelves a pedir te pegará un cachete”

A los cinco minutos “paaaaaaapi”

“¿Qué?”

“Cuando vengas a pegarme el cachete ¿me puedes traer un vaso de agua?.

 3.- Una madre harta de las travesuras de su hijo le pregunta “Como piensas ir al cielo con tus travesuras”.

Después de un momento de reflexión el chaval contesta “Estaré todo el rato entrando y saliendo, entrando y saliendo a portazos, hasta que San Pedro diga “!Por Dios Dylan¡, quédate dentro o fuera de una vez”.

 4.- Una tormentosa noche de verano, una madre esta arropando a su hijo en la cama. Cuando ya estaba por cerrar la luz el niño le pide con voz temblorosa “Mami, duerme conmigo esta noche”.

Sonriendo, después de abrazarle la madre le dice “No puedo. Tengo que dormir en la habitación de papa”.

Después de un silencio el niño responde “¡El cobarde marica!

5.- Es domingo y en la iglesia se celebra una ceremonia especial con sermón para los niños. Una niñita lleva un vestido precioso, y el cura se inclina para preguntarle “Que vestido más bonito. ¿Es tu vestido de Pascua?.

La niñita responde chillando directamente al micrófono del cura “Si, y mi madre dice que es una putada plancharlo”

 6.- Una futura mama explica. “Cuando estaba de seis meses de mi tercer hijo, mi niño de tres años entró en la habitación cuando estaba lista para la ducha y me dijo “Mami, te estás engordando” y le expliqué “Claro, recuerda que mama tiene un bebe creciendo en su barriga”. “Lo sé” contestó “pero lo que te está creciendo son las nalgas”

 7.- In English.

 8.- Un día la maestra estaba leyendo la historia de Chicken Little a la clase. Al llegar a la parte en que Chicken Little intenta avisar al granjero leyó…….y entonces Chicken Little fue donde estaba el granjero y le dijo “El cielo está cayendo. El cielo está cayendo”, y al llegar a este punto efectuó una pausa y pregunto a la clase “¿Qué creéis que le contestó el granjero?”.

Una niñita levantó la mano y dijo “Creo que le contestó ¡Joder! ¡Un gallo que habla¡”

La maestra fue incapaz de continuar la clase casi durante 10 minutos.

 9.- Siempre que alguien le pregunta su nombre una niñita dice “Soy la hija de la Sra. Sugarbrown” hasta que un día su madre le dice que eso no es correcto y que debe decir “Soy Jane Sugarbrown”.

El domingo siguiente en la escuela dominical el vicario le pregunta “No eres tú la hija de la Sra. Sugarbrown”, a lo que la niñita responde “Eso creía yo pero mi madre dice que no lo soy”

 10.- In English

 11.- Una niña va con su padre a la barbería y se sienta al lado del barbero comiéndose un pastelito mientras este le corta el pelo a su padre. El barbero le dice “Guapa, vas a encontrarte pelo en el pastelito”, a lo que responde “Ya lo sé, y voy a tener tetas también”.    

 

 Why We Love Children

 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.

‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.

‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later…..’Da-ad….’

‘What?’

‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’

‘No, You had your chance. Lights out.’

Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad…..’

‘WHAT?’

‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’

‘I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’

Five minutes later……’Daaaa-aaaad…..’

‘WHAT!’

‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’

The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!»

 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

‘The big sissy.’

 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress.

Is it your Easter Dress?’

The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’

I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’

‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

 7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’

The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’

‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked ‘Yes,’ he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’

The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’

The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ‘…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’

The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’

One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said:

‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!»

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr.

Sugarbrown’s daughter.’

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr.

Sugarbrown’s daughter?’

She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

 10. A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’

Her mother replied, ‘No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.’

She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

 

 

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